tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
