I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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