She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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