I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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