"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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