I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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