so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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