Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
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