Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
