At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
