My sheets look like a crime scene.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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