I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
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