Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
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