Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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