Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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