I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
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Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
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Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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