Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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