My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
