Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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