Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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