allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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