im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so that wasnt chicken after all
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
