i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
soo... how was my night?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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