Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
