Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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