You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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