i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
