omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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