I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
