Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
