Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
