I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
