you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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