alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
