I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
