At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
