The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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