Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
