the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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