I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
