its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
That accounts for only three of the penises
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
