I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
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in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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