the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
