i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
