My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
