lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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