Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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