hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
