At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
