its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
