i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
