in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
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