Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
